Long Silence in the City of Voices
I haven’t really felt too compelled to write any blogs recently, I feel that every time I start to get something out it screws up somewhere in the process and I no longer like what I am saying. I feel like I lose control of my voice sometimes, letting up on the voice of my rationality and falling into a deeply subconscious and emotional rant of some sort. But that isn’t what I want to do, I feel like my emo self absorbed side isn’t something others should be reading and not something that I want them to really be reading. But why would I even start to write those things then? Maybe I want to people to know what I thinking? I don’t know.
I have been very confused recently, with things moving in directions I could not have foreseen and myself also moving away from those events in ways I didn’t expect of myself. My outer persona has not changed, not in any way I can see or in any way that anybody has commented on. But I have felt more angry recently, more separated from the world, in a very isolated state of mind. I am still connected to the people around me, I have still been gong to work and hanging out with friends and doing things with people, but I feel as though part of me isn’t there. I feel like part of me doesn’t want to be there, it wants to be curled up in a ball under my blankets, crying itself to sleep. I feel like that part wants to escape to somewhere deep in the woods and listen to loud angry music. But still at the same I don’t want to do any of those things. I cannot let myself lose connection to myself, I cannot fall into myself, because if I do I will not be able to move my perceptions back out into the world, not for a long while I don’t think. I would become a black hole unto myself, focusing everything around me, a quantum singularity, a universe distinct and separate from everything else. That is the last thing I want to be.
November 25th, 2006 at 12:16 am
sounds like the cold dark mist at the beginning of the way.