Crashing Down
Things have climbed high and quickly, precariously perched in my mind just ready to come crashing down. And down they have come.
The Vox Cafe went as expected, amazingly and even better, with people commenting well on my words and my ideas behind them. The atmosphere was amazing and the people were great, but sadly the one I wanted most to be there was absent. But all still went well. People are interested in my book and I think I have many possible buyers hyped for the release of my book, which I have decided will first be sold at the Vox Zocalo at the next Cafe, along with part of the proceeds going to Build a Village Kenya. This is in part for all the help Vox and its crew has given me in the spreading of my words and also because I feel that helping the people in Kenya is the next step in my career of becoming a real, do something special, sort of writer.
Now it is the time afterwards, when things come crashing down, and crash they did. After the load-out that night I came home and crashed, falling deeply into a restless sleep, that though it was long, was not very fulfilling. My dreams are plagued with thoughts of the future, with thoughts of finishing the book, with thoughts of how the hell I am going to pay for the publishing of my book, and with thoughts of the I have steadily and unknowingly pushed away the one I love.
I spent today wandering around my house and the internet, doing a whole lot of nothing, waiting for something to happen. I tried contacting her, to no avail, and I tried reading myself through the time I had to waste, finishing a very good book that I had to force myself to read instead of watching my phone hoping for a call. I went to class, which I normally enjoy and instead sat there while my teacher lectured and spaced, a pencil in my hand and my notebook of poetry on my desk. I simply did not feel inspired in the slightest to do any sort of writing. So I sat and I read.
Then I came home, trying my hand at contacting again to much the same result. So again I sat and read. But when I finished reading and still nothing had happened, I figured that maybe nothing was supposed to happen. So I sat, I just sat there. I meditated on the previous days for a long time, meditating on the Cafe and on her and on everything that has been going on. And I felt a lot more separated from it, but it felt good. My phone finally beeped with a received text message, from her, and I rushed back here to my computer to read the email she sent in response to my own from the day before. I was relieved and comforted by her words, harsh sounding though they may be, because it was the same thing I had realized during my meditations: Distance.
The crashing down was not a bad thing, it is the natural thing to occur after so much has happened. I came down far from where I was and it has given me distance to work with, distance to view my actions with, and distance to change my next course of climb with. So begin my ascent back up to the hectic and fast-paced world with a clearer head and a settled heart, ready to take it all and still keep my distance for self-reflection.
*Edit* Sorry, pressed wrong button yesterday/two days ago depending on time, and saved this instead of posting…here it is now.
