Idiologist

Well, there are five and a half hours left and counting before my first real poetry performance and I am not worried in the slightest. Other matters occupy my thoughts for the last few days. Though I have seemed tp be working almost non-stop on things for today, my mind has been somewhere else through most of it.

My mind has been on my muse, my mind has been on my love.

The story behind what happened between me and her is long and rather complicated, but the short side is that we dated after she got out of a long relationship, then after a little over a month she didn’t want to date anymore, she didn’t want the obligations brought on by couple-dom, so we weren’t dating anymore, though we were still friends and more. I was still in love with her and she still loved me back, but we weren’t obligated to each other like we were before. Our relationship actually grew due to this, becoming strong and more connected to each other as time goes by. But, I fear that someone else may have caught her eye, someone I have called a friend since I have moved out her to Thousand Oaks. I know that we are no longer dating and have obligations to each other, but still I cannot say that it would not hurt me deeply if they were to start dating. My heart still greatly longs for her and though we are not obligated to each other, I cannot entertain the notion of being unfaithful to her, of seeing anyone else romantically.

So that is were my mind is at the moment, lost in the teeming, swirling masses of my thoughts, where ten billion possible ideas and outcomes ricotchet and reverberate through my skull. And though there are so many of them, I cannot seem to grab onto just one. As soon as my consciousness gets a grip on one, another comes by and knocks it out of place. Hence is the state of my head.

But I must be rid of these thoughts for tonight, for tonight I perform, my first big chance to make a name for myself as a professional poet, and I must surely not screw this up, for if I do I will feel even worse than I do right now.

Here’s to hoping that tonight goes as well as I hope that it will.

This entry was posted on Sunday, November 12th, 2006 at 1:51 pm and is filed under Blogroll, Muse, Performing. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.